Good Parents, Bad Results

I've watched the show SuperNanny quite a few times and think it's a great show. I read an article in the latest US News & World Report called Good Parents, Bad Results. The article highlighted eight things that parents do wrong when disciplining their kids (based on findings of researchers from places like the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic). Here's the rundown of the eight and some excerpts:

1. Parents Fail at Setting Limits

If parents don't set limits, children will then try to push the limits because they feel unsafe. They are looking for their parents to respond so that they can get an understanding of what's safe and what's not safe. These kids have problems later in life.

But, paradoxically, not having limits has been proven to make children more defiant and rebellious, because they feel unsafe and push to see if parents will respond. Research since the 1960s on parenting styles has found that a child whose mom and dad are permissive is more likely to have problems in school and abuse drugs and alcohol as teenagers.

2. They're Overprotective

When a parent is overprotective or tries to help out their children too much (e.g. they do things for them), it strips the child of self-esteem. The child gets the message that they aren't capable to do things on their own and they become afraid of failure and trying new things.

"Resilient children realize that sometimes they will fail, make mistakes, have setbacks. They will attempt to learn from them." When parents intercede, Brooks says, "it communicates to the kid that 'I don't think you're capable of dealing with it.' We have to let kids experience the consequences of their behavior."

Otherwise, they may grow afraid to try. "I see a lot of kids who seem really unmotivated," says Kristen Gloff, 36, a clinical and school social worker in the Chicago area. "It's not that they're lazy. They don't want to fail."

3. They Nag, Lecture, Repeat, then Yell

This one reminds me of an old poem by Dorothy Law Nolte called "Children Learn What They Live". The basic idea here is that children take cues from their parents about what good, productive behavior is. If you nag, lecture, or yell at your child, they'll learn to do that. Instead, use positive reinforcement.

"The child imitates that behavior, and you get sassy talk." Nagging also gives children "negative reinforcement," or an incentive—parental attention—to keep misbehaving.

Use positive reinforcement instead.

4. They Praise Too Much - and Badly

Parents often praise children too much and when they do praise their children it's too generic - "good job", "you're so smart", etc.) instead of being specific. Generic praise actually demotivates children. If your kid gets good grades, don't say "you're so intelligent". Instead say "great job on making a good effort".

And when they do, it's all too often either generic ("good job!") or centered on the person, not the task ("you're so smart!"). This kind of praise actually makes children less motivated and self-confident.

"It's so common now for parents to tell children that they're special," says Twenge. That fosters narcissism, she says, not self-esteem. Twenge thinks parents tell a child "You're special" when they really mean "You're special to me." Much better in every way, she says, to just say: "I love you."

5. They Punish Too Harshly

I thought this one was really good. The point of discipline is to "teach", not "payback". So, over-punishing your child sends the wrong message and actually drives a wedge between you two. I'd liked the rules of thumb for time-outs and revoking priveleges - 1 min per year of age and max one day of revoking privileges for teenagers (beyond that and the teenager starts resenting you).

"Often parents come looking for bigger sticks. We tell parents the word discipline means 'teach.' It's something to teach a child that there's a better way to respond." Consider the fine art of the timeout. Parents often sabotage timeouts by lecturing or by giving hugs

The key finding: Discipline works best when it's immediate, mild, and brief, because it's then associated with the transgression and doesn't breed more anger and resentment. A timeout should last for just a few minutes, usually one minute for each year of age of the child. Teenagers who have outgrown timeouts shouldn't lose a privilege for more than a day. Beyond that, the child's attitude shifts from regretting bad behavior to resenting the parent. "The punishment business isn't just ineffective," Kazdin says. "It leads to avoidance and escape. It puts a little wedge in the relationship between parent and child."

6. They Tell Their Child How to Feel

Instead of telling your child "you're fine" or "don't cry", you can just say something as simple as "we're sorry, we know how it feels". It gives the child an opportunity to think about their feelings and how it affects others.

Empathy for other people leads the list of qualities that people need to successfully handle relationships at school, at work, and in the family. Children need to think about how their own feelings will be affected by what they do, as well as the feelings of others.

"The child learns empathy through being empathized with,"

A simple "We're so sorry, we know how it feels" is enough.

7. They Put Grades and SATs Ahead of Creativity

Instead of just focusing on your child hitting certain milestones like reading, doing math, answering SAT questions right, etc., parents are better off helping their children to become independent thinkers.

The goal, says Greenspan, is not to have a child who knows how to answer questions but one who will grow up to ask the important questions.

Parents can help their children become independent thinkers by asking open-ended questions like: Can you think of another way to solve the problem with your teammate? Or ask a whining preschooler: Can you think of a different way to tell me what you want?

8. They Forget to Have Fun

Laughing and having fun with your kids is important.

Those little signs of love and connection—a laugh, a song shared in the car—are, he says, signs of health.